I wish I had started writing months ago. 3 to be exact. I just couldn’t get the strength to do it. It’s like putting everything down on paper makes it all more real. More real than the reality that has already set it.
Yesterday I saw a post on Instagram that really sat with me. “The hardest part of losing a CHILD.. Is… living everyday afterwards”. I can’t get it out of my head. It’s so absolutely true. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to continue in this gray space? It’s like we are waiting and waiting, but we don’t know what we are waiting for. It’s like we can’t make a plan as plans can change in an instant. There is nothing in this world that seems or feels normal anymore. I hate this gray space. I hate this unknown. I have always been a planner. I have no idea how to live in the present. I don’t even really know what that means. I have such a strong need to know. What’s next? What do we do? How do we live this life?
Thankfully there are just a few things that I do know. I love Brett. I love Nolan. I love Simon. I love my family. I love my friends. These are things that keep me living. The things that get me out of bed in the morning. To imagine putting this immense pain of grief on Brett, on Nolan, on my family, on my friends, helps me see that not living in not an option. And for that I am grateful.
I have heard so many people from the loss community (which I had no idea existed) talk about how difficult it is to parent your two children, after you have lost one. I had no idea what they were talking about. But now.. Now I get it. On one hand I am yearning for Nolan to have the best childhood imaginable. I am hopeful that Simon’s loss can somehow not impact him negatively. I am attempting to be present with him. In the moment. I want the best for him. I want him to have a happy mommy. A patient mommy… On the other hand, I am dying on the inside. My brain is constantly full, constantly occupied. Full of the “what ifs”. Full of anger. Full of grief for our future or plans for him our plans with him. I feel like I spend so much of my time trying to run away. Doing all that I can do to keep myself busy. Missing Simon and that sweet little face constantly.
Missing the dream of him. Missing our lives as a family of four.
How can we go on doing this forever? This is exhausting.