I don’t know why.  Ever since I was a little girl, I just knew that I would be a mom to two boys. I have always just loved the thought.  Brothers.

Throughout my entire pregnancy though, I thought I was having a girl. Everything was different. My pregnancy was great. It was easy. Despite a early miscarriage scare, it all went smoothly. My morning sickness was WAY less than with Nolan. I was more comfortable. I was less tired. I gained less weight. We couldn’t come up with a girls’ name. I was certain I was having a girl.

A close friend of mine that was pregnant at the same time also thought she would be the mom of two boys. We had our first boys a month apart from each other and were due only a month apart with the second set. When she had her son, I started to wonder, will I be next? Will I also be a mom to two boys?

Two weeks later, we had Simon. I saw him the moment he came out and wanted to crumble to the ground. It was Simon.  It was my boy after all. It killed me. It still kills me. It was Simon. I was so angry. How was this possible? I am still so angry. I would have been just as angry if it has been a girl.  But it was Simon. It was what I had dreamed of. I WAS going to be the mom of two boys. Nolan and Simon. Two boys we spent so much time dreaming about.

And now what? My two boys. Nolan a spunky two year old full of compassion, curiosity and eagerness.  Simon, we will never know. Nolan, with a heart of gold. Simon, with a heart that stopped beating. Nolan, the kid that doesn’t miss anything. Simon, the boy that will miss everything. I WAS going to be the mom of two boys.

I was so angry I kept yelling, “But I wanted my boys! I wanted to be the mom of two boys!”

And now.  Finally. I am starting to get it.  I am the boy to two boys. It just looks a million times different than we would have ever expected.  One boy we love on daily. We hug, We kiss. We share giggles and tickles. With one boy we talk about his future. We laugh.  We play hide and seek. We teach about the world. We read book after book after book. We take on adventures near and far. And one boy.  One boy we love dearly. We miss at all hours of the day. We mourn his loss. We cry for daily. We learn from him as he teaches us about compassion. We see his impact on our community and hope to someday see his impact on the world.  He makes us smile often as family and friends show us how he has smiled for them in their community. We see him in rays of sunshine through the clouds. We take him in our heart on adventures near and far. We talk about him. We will carry him with us for the rest of our lives. We will never forget him and his short time here with us.

I am raising two boys.  Just not how I had thought I would be.


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