Simon’s Smile

When we lost Simon, nothing felt right.  Our entire world was broken into a million pieces, turned upside down and shaken. Everything we knew to be normal was brought into question. That may seem like an exaggeration to you, but it is far from it.

It isn’t normal to get be 38 weeks pregnant after an easy pregnancy with zero complications and be told that your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat.

It isn’t normal to discuss autopsies, or cremation, in the labor and delivery room.

It isn’t normal to give birth to a baby and be blindsided by the silence in the room.

It isn’t normal to be handed your baby right after birth only to feel zero movements.

It isn’t normal to have a absolutely beautiful child that you will never see again.

It isn’t normal to never look into your child’s eyes.

It isn’t normal to leave the hospital after having a baby without your baby.

It isn’t normal to have your milk come in and no baby to give it too.

The list could seriously go on forever.

Discovering your new fears.

Discovering your new anxieties.

Redefining yourself and your identity.

Grieving lost and strained friendships.

Grieving the loss of yourself.

Ugly crying in front of just about anyone.

Fearing strangers.

Fearing large groups.

Fearing something like this will happen to someone else you know.

Organizing a memorial service for your child.

Trying on clothes while you stain each and every one of them because you are buying a new shirt for your child’s service.

Waking up angry.

Waking up tired all throughout the night.

Explaining to people that there is no closure.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no linear grieving course.

I’ll stop there.

I can tell you.  The one single thing that feels right, right now, is spreading Simon’s smile. He is everywhere. His name.  His story. His smile.

And that.  That feels right. 🙂 

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