Options

The way I see it we have 5 options.

Pay to continue storing our frozen embryos.

Destroy the remaining embryos.

Donate the embryos to science.

Donate the embryos to family in need.

Transfer the embryos.

Last year, when I was newly pregnant with Simon, I received a letter in the mail.  The letter laid out very well our options. I immediately wrote a check without hesitation to continue storing our embryos and then bawled.  I bawled because I knew that someday I would have to make that decision. Someday i would have to officially decide what do do with our remaining embryos. I thought I would be making the decision this summer.  Would we pay to have them stored for just a couple more years? Just in case? Would we have another baby? Would we go ahead and try one more time? Three kids?

Continue paying? Of course we could do that.  Eventually we would still have to make a decision.  We could pay to have them, stored for 5 more years, 10, 20…  What good does that do? I’ll be 60. That just wouldn’t make sense.

Destroy the embryos? Destroy what you worked so hard for? Destroy what we paid so much money to have? Destroy what could turn out to be another Nolan? Another perfect Simon? I know this is an option, and it makes sense for some people.  Most likely these people have created the family that they envisioned. In our situation, it doesn’t seem right, at all. This was not the family that we envisioned. Not at all.

Donate to science? Surly a possibility.  I want nothing more than for other families that struggle with infertility to have the best technological advances possible.  If that means we donate our embryos so that they have a better chance, that makes sense. But not now. Now, we are that family. We are the family that struggles with infertility and wants nothing more than to continue to build our family.

Donate to another family in need? Originally I always felt in my heart that this is what we would do.  But now? Now? No way. Have a little Nolan or a little Simon walking around out there without us at their parents? I could never stomach that. We have one super high quality embryo, one that they could use for me.  The other one they would use if all else fails, but I doubt they would even allow us to donate it to another family. The confidence level for a chromosomal issue is not strong enough. So to give our one last chance to someone else?  Nope. No way.

Transfer the embryo? Truly this is the only option that I see fits. It’s truly our only option.  We would do it with a million and two fears and anxieties. And I mean one million and two. And if it worked, we would all take a collective inhale and we wouldn’t exhale until that baby is laying in our arms breathing.

Remember when I said we have 5 options? The way we see it, we really only have one…

Knowing our decision, there are many unknowns and a ton of other options. “Options” meaning… When could we reasonably try? How long do we need to wait? What if it works? What if it doesn’t? How the hell would we get through those 40 weeks of pregnancy? How would we pay for all of the doctor and hospital visits? How would we breath for 40 weeks? Who would our doctors be? How would I be able to move throughout that time? How would we control our anxieties? 

Who knows.  

I saw a quote last week “If it excites you and scares you at the same time, it probably means you should do it.”

I guess we just stick with that. Our option is we hope. 

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(Brett snapped this picture the last time we visited the IVF clinic.  It fits in perfectly here.)


4 thoughts on “Options

  1. Again, so beautifully written. So heart touching. I think of you at your young age, and how I hurt deeply at that age, I worried wildly, and my heart would harden with pain and loss…. Now I know having emotions, thoughts, and memories is better even if some may cause grief. I believe in what I heard so long ago…..”It’s ‘s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Joy comes in the morning.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sin ánimo de comparar tu dolor solo te quiero contar una historia personal.
    Tengo la bendición de tener dos niños sanos que corretean por el mundo volviéndonos locos. Pero para llegar a ellos perdí varios embarazos . Ente el primero y el segundo fueron 3 abortos espontáneos y realmente la pase muy mal.
    Cada consulta con el médico era una tortura saber si estaría todo bien o no. Cada Eco grafía me daba pánico ver si el corazón de ese bebé seguiría latiendo o no. Cada inyección diaria en la panza y su moretón me recordaba que esta vez podría tener suerte o no…..Cuando en la semana 32 empece con hipertensión me dio muchísimo miedo. Miedo de hacer un pico y que le pasara algo al bebé, miedo de tenerlo prematuro, miedo de todo….Con medicación pude llevar adelante el embarazo 6 semanas mas y en la 38 me lo indujeron.
    Desde el primer positivo en sangre hasta que ese niño nacio y lloro solo recuerdo miedo, ansiedad pero sobre todo amor. Y ese amor, fuerte, bravo, loco, genuino que hace que a pesar de todo te lleves el mundo por delante.
    Aposta a ese amor, no lo dudes.

    Liked by 1 person

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