The Spiral

I can feel the spiral starting. My breath increasing. The tears are starting to pool in my eyes. What is it this time? This time it is the return to work. It is a longing for you. The longing to hold you.  To kiss you. To tell you just one more time how much I love you and how much you mean to me. It’s to feel your weight in my arms. I just want to go back to the time that you were safe inside of me.  To the day that the doctor said you were a happy baby. Why can’t we rewind? Why didn’t I just know that something wasn’t right? I remember during my stress test, you weren’t moving very much. The nurse had me drink some gatorade to get you moving a bit more.  Why did she do that? Why? Why wasn’t that the sign? When the doctor said that you were breech again. Why wasn’t that a sign either? Why didn’t we just do a c-section right then and there. Instead we talked about the risks of a breech birth. We literally told him that we worked so hard for you. We went through too much to get to the point we were at.  You were an IVF baby. We would not do anything to compromise your health. So why wasn’t it just on that day? Why did we schedule the c-section for a week later? Why didn’t we just do it on that day? And when did I stop feeling you kick? I can’t remember and it kills me. Was it on Saturday? Saturday I was so busy. I’m sick about this. Why wasn’t I resting? Why was I so interested in everyone else having a good weekend? What if you had sent me some sort of sign and I was too busy that i didn’t get it.  I wasn’t focused enough on you. I was focused on having fun for the last time as a family of 3. Why didn’t we just lay low that weekend and rest? Or was it on Sunday? It was. But when was it. I remember after our first birthday party I said something about not feeling you move so much. Why wasn’t that my indication? They say mother’s intuition? Did I fail you? After the second birthday party I hadn’t felt you either. I thought something may be wrong. Never in a million years would I have thought it would have been that wrong.  Whey they said there was no heartbeat, I didn’t initially know what they were talking about. What do you mean? His heart is fine. We did that special ultrasound at 24 weeks to look at his heart. His heart was perfect. You were perfect. I wish I could see others smile at you because you are so cute instead of looking at a sea of people with their heads down. Is it me that is avoiding eye contact or is it them? I wish people were asking me questions about you. About how you are eating or sleeping. Or where you got your eye or hair color from instead of people avoiding you, your name, your story all together. I’m longing to feel normal again.  Longing to not be depressed, anxious, or the sad lady who’s baby died. I miss being and feeling connected to people. Now I fear the simplest of conversations. I’m sensitive. I take everything personally, and I mean everything. I can’t take criticism or competition. I can’t field the simplest of questions. I miss smiling at ease. I struggle even with the fake smiles. I’m sick of the half hugs.  I can’t stand banter. I can’t stand chipper. I can’t stand large groups of people.  I can’t stand feeling like I’m being avoided and uninvited. I called my doctor asking for mediation. People that announced their pregnancy when I was full term are starting to have their babies. Where is my baby? Why isn’t he here with me? He should be almost 5 months old.  I should be tired because he is keeping awake at night not because I can’t sleep. I should be busy with two kids instead of busy with thoughts of the one that is gone and how that impacts the one that is here. I have hope. Hope that we can give Simon and Nolan a baby brother or sister. But can we? Will it work? Will we make it that far in the pregnancy? 

Maybe work will be a distraction? Um…  I think I have enough distractions.

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