I was feeling like I had my shit together today. Despite a weekend full of “supposed to be’s.” Despite not sleeping much last night. Despite my child dying and people swearing something just had to be wrong with him. Despite people not realizing I gave birth to my child, the only difference being that he never took a breath. Despite being at home sick.
I was curled up on the couch alone with a cup of tea and a book. Just where I wanted to be today.
Of course it’s a book about grief as that is all my brain can process right now. But this book, this book is different than ones that I have read recently. It actually has some humor tangled into the mess of out of order death. Out of order death was something I never had really thought of before, the unexpected death. The spouse drowning in a river type death. The spouse with incurable brain cancer type death. The young parent who dies in a car accident type death. The baby that dies at full term and never takes their first breath type death. How you can intertwine humor into an out of order death type book amazes me, and for that, the book has held my interest.
And then I read this line:
“Almost is always the hardest, isn’t it.”
Not super profound. Simple. And I lost it. Like lost it lost it. Sitting in a puddle of tears lost it.
We were almost there at 38 weeks.
Our lives were almost happy.
We almost made it to the finish line.
We almost had a live birth.
We almost walked out of the hospital with a living baby.
We almost had two giggling and mischievous boys at home.
We almost made Nolan a big brother.
Our lives almost got richer with the addition of another child.
We almost welcomed friends and family into our home to “ooo” and “aww” over our new addition.
We almost had two successful IVF babies.
Cleary the list could go on forever. She is right. Almost is the hardest. This is almost a perfect example of why I will never be “fixed.” So I am going with the title, It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too). Sometimes I will have my shit together. Sometimes I will laugh. Sometimes I will cry.
Check out It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too) by Nora McInerny