It didn’t hit me at first, we have been to Costco several times since Simon died. And who wouldn’t go often, samples are our favorite meal when cooking is out of the question. On other trips, waves of grief have hit. Seeing families with two boys walking around the store. Babies, there are always lots and lots of babies. There are also pregnant women, lots and lots of pregnant women. And we continue to go, but not there for the baby items we expected to be purchasing.
I was already a bit on edge after seeing Costco’s ridiculous Halloween, Thanksgiving and CHRISTMAS displays. It 95 freaking degrees outside, it isn’t even October and Costco is reminding me that we will not be celebrating a single holiday like I had anticipated, with Nolan AND Simon. Not only that, they are speeding up time. Time that doesn’t need to go any faster than it already is! They are reminding me about how long it has been since I felt Simon kick, since I held him in my arms, covered him in tears and kissed his cute little button nose.
Today was different and it didn’t hit me at first. Nolan has sat alone several times in that cart. Then Nolan pointed to the empty spot next to him and asked, “What’s this for?” Not even realizing it I said, “It’s for families with two kids.”
I lost it. Right there in the middle of Costco, I lost it. Tears came streaming down my face. Tears that I just couldn’t stop. I buried my head in Nolan’s legs. We ARE a family with two kids! We just don’t look like it. That spot WAS going to be filled and five fucking days beforehand it was left empty. Now all we can do is “hope” that it will be filled one day. And it will never be filled with Simon, and that makes every inch of my body ache. Why Simon? Why us? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Can we just rewind time? I hate this new life.
We were smiling an hour before this, moving about our world as normally as we possibly could. This pain just can’t be fixed, it can only be carried. It shows up when you least expect it. It shows up in the middle of Costco on sample day.