Isn’t she excited?

“Isn’t she excited?  Isn’t there ANY excitement at all?”

Let me say this. 

No.  No, I am not excited.  I am hopeful AND absolutely terrified.  I am not excited because I am no longer blissful nor naive. I no longer have that pleasure. I would give anything to have that feeling back. I live in a world that you are lucky not to live in.  A world I hope you NEVER have to enter. I live in a world where babies die. Let me say that again. I live in a world where babies die. I live in a world where babies hearts beat for 6, 10, 12, 14 weeks and then suddenly stop.  Where babies growth measurements decline appointment after appointment to a point where their hearts stop. Where excited parents go to their “gender reveal” appointment only to learn that something is not right. Something is making their baby incompatible with life outside the womb. I live in a world where a mother’s body goes into labor before the baby is ready with no way to stop the body from progressing. I live in world where full term pregnancies end because of a cord accident.  Because of a knot in the cord. Because the cord is tangled around a neck or ankle or stomach. Because it was “pinched.” I live in a world where babies die and absolutely no reason at all can be found. I live in a world where babies die because of a placental abruption. Where a mother fights for her own life not knowing her child’s life has already ended. I live in a world where babies die because of a uterine abruption. I live in a world where you are expecting your life to change with two babies and then for any number of reasons one lives and one doesn’t. I live in a world where babies can die one minute before the final push.  I live in a world where parents have to choose whether or not to take their fighting child off of life support never to hold their hand again. I live in a world where babies are put down for a nap never to open their eyes again. I live in a world where one day you are blissfully unaware and the next second you are painfully aware.

So am I excited? Maybe I should ask you this, excited for what? Excited that I am pregnant? No. I am happy to be pregnant. Happy to have a chance at another life. Excited for her to arrive? No. I am hopeful that she will arrive. I’m hopeful she will arrive with her eyes open and her heart still beating. Excited to have another baby? No. I am cautiously optimistic as I already have another baby and am hopeful I will have the opportunity to bring her home from the hospital. I hope to hold her and love her for the rest of my life. Excited for people’s comments, joy, excitement? No. I’m terrified that my life will be shattered into a million pieces again and that they will abandon me again when things are difficult and sad and not happy. 

When will the world or our culture accept that life isn’t just blissful happiness?  When will people understand the vulnerability that pregnancy is? When will people realize that life can be ugly?   It’s complex. It’s messy. It’s not just excitement. It’s fear. It’s hope. It’s happiness. It’s filled with anxiety. And it is all of this and more all wrapped up in a book that may not end the way you expect or hope.  

So. Am I excited? No. 

I am hopeful.

I am scared shitless.

I am happy. 

I am nervous.

I am terrified. 

I am cautiously optimistic.

And I am in love. 

I am in love with a baby that I hope will cry the moment her body reaches the fresh air. I am in love with a baby that I hope will leave the hospital in the carseat we so carefully place right where her big brother’s used to be. A little girl that will make Nolan’s dream come true, his dream to be a big brother to a living sibling.  A little girl that we hope will grow up following the daddy that she adores around the house pulling on his legs as she giggles. A little girl that will learn to love the big brother she will never have the opportunity to meet. I am madly in love with a little girl, a little girl that I never knew I needed or wanted so badly.  A little girl that we hope will spread joy and love and gratitude and empathy and understanding and compassion because she knows about the fragility of life. A little girl that will hopefully begin to mend our broken hearts while always holding Simon close. 

And because of this deep love,

I am hopeful.

I am scared shitless.

I am happy. 

I am nervous.

I am terrified. 

I am cautiously optimistic.

 

I welcome you to be all of these with me.


3 thoughts on “Isn’t she excited?

  1. Oh, Tera—I am all of those things FOR you. With all my heart I wish you didn’t know all of all the heartbreak you describe. I wish no one did. I wish that the Kids Shouldn’t Have Cancer Foundation, which I support, didn’t exist because it wasn’t needed. I have no answers, but know that I will be praying for you every day. Whatever your beliefs, I will do it as my way of sending hopeful energy through the universe to you. I hope it will help give you patience and strength.

    Like

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