What is it like being pregnant after loss? Terrifying. What is it like being pregnant during a global pandemic? Terrifying. What is it like being pregnant after loss during a global pandemic? Fucking terrifying. For me, every day is scary. Every choice is difficult. Every decision feels like life or death. And now all of … More Some Thoughts for Today…
The grief is still here. The pain. The sadness. The anxiety. The depression. The only difference may be that it isn’t as strong. This time last year I wanted to end my life. The heaviness was so heavy I couldn’t think of any other way to lighten the load. Simon was gone, nothing would ever … More Grief. It’s work.
What do I do? Do I tell Brett? Do I tell him that I haven’t felt the baby move in awhile? They say to track their kicks. To track their patterns. And I’ve been doing just that. But I haven’t felt the kicks. I haven’t felt them and I can’t remember the last time I … More Same But Different
“Isn’t she excited? Isn’t there ANY excitement at all?” Let me say this. No. No, I am not excited. I am hopeful AND absolutely terrified. I am not excited because I am no longer blissful nor naive. I no longer have that pleasure. I would give anything to have that feeling back. I live in … More Isn’t she excited?
I have been thinking a lot about permanence or really the lack of permanence. Impermanence. I guess it’s something I have never really thought about. Or never really had a reason to. But now it is so real. Nothing we have is permanent. Nothing is here to stay, ever. Nothing. You lose your job. You … More Don’t wait.
“I just can’t imagine. I didn’t know it was that bad.” Well, imagine this. Imagine peeing on pregnancy tests every month, just incase you are pregnant, only to see the negative test time after time again. Imagine being told that you will never become pregnant without medical interventions. Imagine spending thousands and thousands of dollars … More “I Just Can’t Imagine”
Just days after Simon died, it started. “You should go to the cabin.” “When will you go to the cabin?” “Why don’t you just go to the cabin.” “Have you gone to the cabin yet?” Like “the cabin” was some miracle healer after the death of a child. Here is what the cabin is for … More The Cabin
How will I ever love another child as much as I love Nolan? Will Nolan and the baby get along? Will it be a boy or a girl? What if we don’t pick the right name?What if they don’t like their name? Do we have everything that we need? Will the baby be a terrible … More worry